Relationships

I was thinking about my relationship with Mike today, and feeling kinda scared and boxed in, as I often do. And something occurred to me, which I reckon is probably the most obvious thing in the world to people who are naturals at good relationships: that being with someone else is a call to open up, not just to open up and be honest about yourself (though that’s a never-ending, ever-deepening thing) but actually to open outwards. By this I mean that you open out to include your lover in your life and to include yourself in your lover’s life, and you think less about yourself, your annoyingly wavy hair that won’t quite straighten(pictured, haha) your multiple ambitions that won’t all get achieved in one lifetime, your continual anxiety about God knows what…

And while I know I have to figure myself out and do amazing things (ack there comes the anxiety), or at least live up to my potential… there’s something about a relationship with someone so lovely and yet so different from me, that opens me up to other stuff that’s out there. That reminds of when I used to be so interested in the world and nature and people, not just hiding within myself in case I get hurt or feel stupid or get tired or miss something career-worthy.

So from now on, I want to be more open, more loving in general, not just towards my Mike but towards people, places and things, making room in my heart and senses for experiences and interests that lead away from self-absorption and towards… hmm, yes, love or something like it, maybe even losing myself for a while, and not being terrified of that.

That said, I’m off to the gym for some hardworkin’ alone time. But I’ll try and smile at everyone and appreciate the sky too!

Becky xxx

Stamina

Trying to figure out what I have the stamina and energy to work on at the moment. Have been fiddling with my portfolio site (http://beckyhunter.co.uk in case you missed my earlier announcement!) and will try to blog daily on that as some sort of discipline, but apart from that, hmm… I seem to have a thousand magnificent ideas and never the ability or drive to pursue them. Getting to the end of my tether with myself but not sure how to take action. Is rest required? Or ass-kicking? I have no clue. I feel pretty boxed in, tired and scared at the moment and the weight of all my dreams and ideas and passions is a bit too huge. Any ideas?

Becky xxx

Gym, reading and proposals

A useful week so far… met up with Lucy and decided to organise an exhibition together, perhaps involving gigs… my proposed piece of work is still quite fuzzy in my head but here’s a (backwards due to my iSight camera’s weirdness) image of the first thoughts.

Also have been reading The Gift by Lewis Hyde for absolutely ages and have started getting into it. It’s a bit like an Iris Murdoch novel in that all the perseverance required for the first few chapters really pays off when you get further in. It’s subtitled ‘how the creative spirit transforms the world’ and begins by looking at the anthropology of gift economies and how this is expressed in folk tales, and later will apply this to art though I’m not that far into it yet. I will post up a proper review when I’m done.

Have also rejoined the Gym which is AMAZING!!! Woke up this morning feeling like a had a bad flu I was aching all over, but that just shows how out of shape I have become in the past few months. Excited for all that running and weights.

Becky xxx

So much to do!

So… I’ve sent off my review to Mslexia, very happy to have done that! Have chased up references. Totally forgot to bring my passport with me to send off with my old American cellphone for Mike (his fell into a glass of water and drowned) but now Dad is going to pay for it to be renewed so that’s a winner! Will try to send it off tomorrow if I get enough time during a break, otherwise Monday. Still need to spend some time unpacking Sheffield stuff, restocking my wardrobe, things like that, and actually exercising or I’m going to slowly turn into a heffalump. Maybe some calm yoga tonight and running tomorrow. Also put Lucy off till tomorrow as working in a cafe really takes it out of you social-wise, all that customer care and just running about in a crowd of hungry people, make me want to sit alone watching Scrubs all night long with a packet of Thai Chili crisps, except they bizarrely contain Milk Powder so they are a ridiculously guilty pleasure at the best of times.

Ahh… actually having things I have to do is a little bit unnerving. But I’m sure I’ll get used to it and be happy that I’m making some progress in things after a few weeks. Mike says, make sure you don’t try and start everything at once, which is a good idea for someone like me who wants to pack everything into the first 2 days. I found this amazing blog about to-do lists which I felt I must share, but it made me feel a little less insane about writing lists all the time and trying to better myself and ticking things off etc.

Also, if I haven’t written about it already, a brilliant website is Stuff White People Like that has now become a book, just like the above to-do list blog. Somehow I don’t think this I how I will ever write a book, but perhaps keeping track of my day to day things will help me to get stuff done.

Becky xxx

To do by tomorrow night :)

- send off passport

- follow up references (oop done now!)

- run or yoga

- finish bird by bird review and send to mslexia

- see lucy

- unpack sheffield packing and start using sketchbooks again

- start a notebook of research on potential artists residencies