I feel my posts on this little blog have become rather dull and trite since I’ve got back from the USA, so, for now, I’ll stop posting on here. I’ll be carrying on with my art/writing related blog at my portfolio website so hope to see you there. I guess this reflects a move to something more career related, and a bit of trying to get away from this irritating self-examination. OK, see you over there.

Bye xxxxxxxxx

OK…

- post office or buy stamps somewhere, and actually post letters…

- gym before work

- so get up early for breakfast and being happy about life

- start planning – or actually writing – a piece to submit to untitled, probably based on the ingleby show

all this before 12.30 please!

My room as it is! I will post pictures tonight when it is all clean and beautiful and organised!

Becky xxxxxx

Well….. it’s still on its way as I keep getting distracted! But… I’ve enjoyed the sorting I’ve done and my new strategy is to do 20 minutes a day so that I don’t feel like I’m wasting time or anything. B x

I’m pleased to announce that by 10pm tonight I will have done everything on my list except unpack… hopefully I can get that done when I get back from the light festival… and I’ve done a first draft of the application statement, which I can try to complete on Sunday.

So yay me…

Now off to the gym.

Might start setting myself little goals like this everyday.

Becky xxx

Stayed in bed too long today… although I had a brilliant night last night at The Dun Cow folk session. Might go again or try one for singers elsewhere.

- send Jan some good questions

- finish unpacking

- go to the gym

- finish application statement and look up any other MAs to apply for

- go the light festival woo!

- approach 3 people for interviews

I love it! Vanity vanity but yay for nice colours.

Becky xxx

I love it, it’s so big and red.

So I’m thinking of applying to the Goldsmiths MFA in Art Writing, but I’m really unclear about what the course involves, and why exactly it is an MFA, rather than an art theory MA. Hum… I’ve emailed the course director and the art department and I think I will call in the next couple of days. Also might go down to the University of London postgrad open day and stay in Richard’s living room tent if it’s still there! 

Preparing a portfolio seems like a huge task… I guess I will select some of the work I have previously had published and then try to write two or three brilliant new pieces, and maybe edit one of this year’s OU essays into a more beautiful piece of work. But I have only just under 4 weeks to do this! So I must get cracking, or at least this week spend some good long walks over the railway line in the nature reserve thinking about what I could write to make a fantastic impression. I’ve grown to think of myself as a writer, so to be rejected from this would be something to deal with. But that just means I need to put real effort and grace into my application. 

All this change and oh so soon…

It’s weird that as soon as I post the last post about relationships, everything seems to come crashing down around me!

But I think it’s going to be ok, whatever happens. I’ve learned something in the last couple of days, that it’s not just about expressing anxieties, or a philosophical idea of being open and attentive, but that love is also about making a damn hard effort to be patient, kind, understanding, warm, and also things like friendly, listening, cheering, things like that.

I’m glad to be learning something, yay! I suppose my view of things errs on the cold and negative usually, and to include the warm and cheery is quite a miraculous thing that I’ve not experienced for years! Good Lord

I was thinking about my relationship with Mike today, and feeling kinda scared and boxed in, as I often do. And something occurred to me, which I reckon is probably the most obvious thing in the world to people who are naturals at good relationships: that being with someone else is a call to open up, not just to open up and be honest about yourself (though that’s a never-ending, ever-deepening thing) but actually to open outwards. By this I mean that you open out to include your lover in your life and to include yourself in your lover’s life, and you think less about yourself, your annoyingly wavy hair that won’t quite straighten(pictured, haha) your multiple ambitions that won’t all get achieved in one lifetime, your continual anxiety about God knows what…

And while I know I have to figure myself out and do amazing things (ack there comes the anxiety), or at least live up to my potential… there’s something about a relationship with someone so lovely and yet so different from me, that opens me up to other stuff that’s out there. That reminds of when I used to be so interested in the world and nature and people, not just hiding within myself in case I get hurt or feel stupid or get tired or miss something career-worthy.

So from now on, I want to be more open, more loving in general, not just towards my Mike but towards people, places and things, making room in my heart and senses for experiences and interests that lead away from self-absorption and towards… hmm, yes, love or something like it, maybe even losing myself for a while, and not being terrified of that.

That said, I’m off to the gym for some hardworkin’ alone time. But I’ll try and smile at everyone and appreciate the sky too!

Becky xxx